I was out walking and enjoying the cool air on my face. I felt invigorated by a walk along a sidewalk I was exploring for the first time, and then it happened.

I was in this beautiful experience, a wonderful walk when I noticed, once again, the tendency for skeptical doubts to arise. I often have a subtle thinking process involved with doubt. I may ask myself the following things: How things are going? Am I doing a good job? Is this a safe or useful way to do something? and so on.

So as I went back and forth between the bliss of a beautiful, chilly morning walk and a subtle, low-level concern that something is wrong, I was stopped short, transfixed on…

The sun glistening off of the frozen drops of what had been rain some hours before. The drops, hanging off of a metal loop in a neighbors yard, had frozen in the unusually chilly April morning air. I had a two-fold realization that caused me to relax quite a lot.

I was wondering about choices I’d made and doubting whether the timing of some things was good, bad, or otherwise when I realized that.

1. There’s no going back.
2. These thoughts are all self-created worry and, many if not most of them are not even based in reality or truth.
3. Old decisions cannot be remade.
4. So I can enjoy the present. (if I am not trying to go back)

You see, I realized anew that no matter what the doubt or concern is, I have a choice.

I can go with the doubt in my mind, a pattern long established, but of little to no use.

Or

I can be present to the beautiful, chilly morning and enjoy the walk.

You see, the message of the frozen droplets of water was that they were not there hours before, but existed right there and then just as they should be. Old decisions cannot be remade.

Looking back on it I imagine that almost for certain those icy drops are now gone…and that’s just how it is. Nothing wrong; nothing to change. No doubt.

Well, the past few weeks have been anything but normal. Glad that I am in retreat for the time being. Dan the observer, are you there?

Yes, Dan in retreat, what’s up?

Today I had a meditation session related to Hildegard of Bingen.

You mean that mystic from the Middle Ages?

You got it. She was a pretty amazing human.

All right. How did it go?

Well, let me tell you about some of what she wrote, and I think it will be obvious.

Okay. Shoot.

The topics of light and love recur throughout her writings. She also writes of being good stewards of what is on earth. In fact, she took my breath away when she said that if humans misuse their place on earth that the divine justice of God is such that nature is allowed to “give a reminder”.

What’s that about?

Well, I can’t read her mind from here, but I expect this corona virus has given us all an opportunity to think about whether we are being good stewards of what we’ve been given on earth to use. And how we wish to be with each other-especially now that we are somewhat quarantined from each other.

It does make me think.

Yeah, me too. In fact I asked those meditating with me tonight to meditate on her words. We did, and my insight was that “Love is easy and easeful when I let it be. Also that there’s no time to wait to be loving, and finally, that God or the Universe is always ready to support us in what we do.

So that’s what you were up to

I hope others can have their own insights and share, too.

I noticed, Dan.

Noticed what? Dan the observer of me in retreat.

Well, you look concerned. Are you?

Shouldn’t I be? All of us are supposed to stay at home under the threat of unwittingly spreading the COVID-19 virus.

Yeah. It makes sense to be concerned, but.

Well, I’m trying to prepare to carry out work online and have so much to do…

So does everyone.

Of course. You know, I am really enjoying how much those I work with are collaborating to get things done.

So what’s the problem?

I guess there’s really no problem as such…

And? … I guess, I’m wondering about when you sit in meditation. By the way, good job getting in extra meditation each day. You’re coming along good with that.

Thanks.

When you sit in meditation, what are you noticing?

Well, if there’s really nothing wrong, then what could it be?

Good question.

…

Oh, I remember now. Anytime I am concerned it is from giving up a sense of taking care of business from within. You know, that is what I haven’t been noticing.

What do you mean?

That the concerns I have are about what is coming at me from without, not within.

You mean, things are okay?

Yeah. Mostly. Of course, concerns related to the virus and the need to be vigilant, responsible, and careful are all real things, but the concern comes from taking cues from without.

And, therefore, not what?

Acting within, including allowing myself to be calm. But I’m reading a book that gave me another insight related to that.

What’s that?

Dan, the observer, this is Dan in retreat signing off.

Hey?!

Don’t worry. That insight will be in my next blog.

For now, I’m going to get back to taking care of business.

Hi There, Dan. It’s Dan. I am watching and learning about you. Love your intention and effort. Good idea to use your time away from work as a retreat. (Note to self: you can bring this intention to your life even if things change again.)

I’m writing because I noticed that you have an intention to use time away from your physical work space, school, to use more as a retreat, but ran into a speed bump yesterday.

Here’s what I noticed about your day. Your idea of bringing a retreat like atmosphere to all you do got crowded out by your concern for your job.

You spent some good time in the morning yesterday meditating in a way that grows your meditative experience. “Good job,” as your teacher might say.

What happened later was that you continued to work, work, work, on your job–not a bad thing in itself, but by the time you got to the evening and ready for bed you hadn’t taken the time to meditate in the evening that you were planning to do.

It’s all learning. Keep with it…..